Complications
by Joydrop
Summary: Zim becomes ill and as he begins to look for the cause of this strange new virus, he finds a rather unexpected source. *slash fic*
1. I Feel Sick

disclaimer : Zim and his stinky human friends were not created by me, nor are they owned by me. Instead, they are quite abused by me. No profit is being made from this piece of fiction.   
warning! : This is SLASH. If you don't like it, then don't read it. I'd think that'd be rather obvious but apparently some people don't understand this simple concept. When you KNOW you're not going to like something, why bother reading it at all?   
My apologizes to Mr. Vasquez, since Zim/Dib fiction apparently makes him ill. However, the thought that I can make the man who created the 'A Drive Home From Somewhere' strip in Squee! sick to his stomach greatly appeals to me.   
  
  
  
---   
  
  
  
Zim knew he was sick. He simply wasn't sure what vile earth germ had infected him THIS time. The computer had run every test possible, but he'd come up with a clean bill of health. He figured, however, that Gir had probably done something to the computer earlier, something that he hadn't noticed yet, and _that_ was why it didn't detect anything.   
  
"Stupid robot...." he groaned as he laid on the couch, red eyes staring unfocused up at the ceiling.   
  
"You called, Master?" Gir's head poked out from around the corner in the kitchen. Zim noticed with some alarm, but no surprise, that a thin trail of smoke was drifting up in the air behind Gir.   
  
"Well, no, but... where on Irk is that smoke coming from?"   
  
"I'm makin' me some BACON!" Gir exclaimed happily and he vanished back into the kitchen. Zim stared and just hoped that the SIR unit wouldn't light the house on fire - again. The various base repairs he had to do at _least_ once every three days were starting to seriously annoy him.   
  
Zim sighed, pushing the memories of his various burns and bruises from cleaning up Gir's messes out of his mind. In retrospect, Zim realized, this wasn't one of his grander and more wonderful ideas, since his head was suddenly filled with visions of his illness again.   
  
"AAARGH!"   
  
"I WANT A LEMUR!"   
  
Zim ignored Gir's idiotic yell from the other room and squeezed his eyes shut, willing the visions to go away. He was an Invader! He was ZIM! He was... having serious difficulty getting disturbing images of Dib out of his mind!   
  
"What iiis this? This... This MADNESS! Urgh, I don't feel so good," he said groggily, sitting up and rubbing his head. He just didn't understand this! These... visions! And Dib, all of Dib! But not his usual Dib-thoughts, nooo. Not his pleasant little daydreams of the filthy human turned inside out or being torn apart by pinching metallic arms. Nooo. These were thoughts of a Dib who looked like he was in pain - but wasn't. Panting and sweating. Icky human things like that.   
  
However, none of this disturbed Zim. What disturbed him was the fact that he WASN'T disturbed. He was... something else. Something... warm and squishy. Like Gir's microwavable burritos.   
  
Gir... The little robot hadn't made so much as a peep while Zim was thinking. That was worrying. Zim opened his eyes, looking towards the kitchen, and was relived to see that the smoke trail was gone. "Gir?"   
  
"Yeees?"   
  
Zim blinked and looked up towards the sound. "Gir - GIR! Get OFF the ceiling, Gir! That's an ORDER!!"   
  
Gir seemed to be tap dancing quite happily on the ceiling, though at Zim's command, his eyes flashed red and he snapped a sharp, "Yessir!" Zim waited patiently for his idiotic robot to get off of the ceiling - what he did not expect, however, was for Gir to fall off of the ceiling and onto his head.   
  
"AAAGH! OW! GIR, STOP! NO! NO DANCING ON MY HEAD!"   
  
"COFFEE COFFEE COFFEEEEEEEE!"   
  
"I curse you, cocoa bean!!"   
  
After a few moments of colourful Irken curses and much waving of limbs, Gir finally toppled off of Zim's head, landing face down on the floor with a dull clanging sound. He lay there motionless as Zim felt his own head, trying to make sure it wasn't bruised or bleeding in any spots. "Gir! What has gotten into you?!"   
  
There was another moment of silence before the muffled reply came. "I'm coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs."   
  
Zim made a disgusted noise and straightened himself up in the most dignified way he could manage. He'd grown a few inches in the past six years he'd been spying here on Earth; he only came up to Dib's shoulders, but that was hardly important. Size only mattered if you were another _Irken_. Humans grew taller with age; everyone knew that Irkens grew taller with _skill_. A few inches in only six measly years....! Truly, this mission the Tallest had given him was doing him wonders, physically. That was probably part of why they'd given it to HIM. They knew that he needed to be taller for them to properly promote him through the ranks! He wondered briefly if either of the Tallest had come here earlier as scouts, when they weren't yet the Tallest, before his thought train was interrupted by Gir doing a vacuum cleaner impression.   
  
"Gir!"   
  
Gir paused and looked up at Zim, his mouth full of carpet. "Yahh Mahsah?"   
  
One of Zim's eyes twitched. "Drop the carpet."   
  
Gir gave a muffled 'awww' before releasing the carpet, sitting down in the exact same spot that his mouth had been. "Heehee! Damp!"   
  
"Concentrate, Gir!" Zim snapped, reflecting that he should record himself saying that sometime. It'd be easier than reminding the robot to do so every time they spoke. "We are going to need to do some extra research. I'm afraid I've fallen ill to some sort of new human germie thingie, but the computer doesn't recognize it. So! I will go to one of the human research stations here, and you will stay at home to try and update the computer. Do you understand?"   
  
"I like sunflowers."   
  
" .... uh-huh," Zim said before sighing again in defeat. He knew it was useless asking Gir to do anything, but these visions were going to drive him to be physically ill - even more so - if something was not done quickly.   
  
"Awww," Gir said, head tilting to the side, "Is Master sick?"   
  
Zim's eyes narrowed in annoyance. "Your brilliance amazes me sometimes, Gir."   
  
"Yaaay! I'm brilliantly shiny!"   
  
Zim slapped a hand to his forehead. "Just... geh. Gir... My sickness. It's got something to do with that Dib human. He makes my thumpity-bangalar go all... quick... like. Do you think that's a normal reaction to being close to one of these filthy human creatures? It never happened before though, until last week...."   
  
"I can belly dance!"   
  
"You don't HAVE a belly!"   
  
Zim grimaced as tears suddenly welled up in Gir's eyes. "Look, just.... Oh, never mind. Isn't your monkey show on?"   
  
Gir gasped, eyes going even larger than usual. "MONKEYYY!!" And with a primal scream, he cartwheeled over to the television set, clicking it on. Zim shuddered as the screen was filled with the face of that disturbing growling monkey. Really, it wasn't difficult to see how the human race evolved from them. Putting on his disguise, Zim was glad that he was going to be out of the house for a while; Gir's dancing and that monkey's growling were things he did NOT need while he was already feeling ill in his guts.   
  
"I'm leaving now, Gir! Try to actually guard the house!"   
  
"Yessir!" Gir's eyes flashed red briefly before his attention was stolen again almost immediately by the TV. "Monkeyyy...."   
  
Zim sighed and headed outside towards the closest human research station. At least there he'd have some peace and quiet for a bit. 


	2. The Research Station

Zim's walk to the human research station had been an interesting one. He'd almost been caught in the cross-fire between some sort of horrible water balloon fight two stink beast children were having, had barely avoided being hit by a truck as large as his house, and _then_ he had accidentally collided with the Dib human's little sister, spilling her icy... drink... thing. This had sent her into some sort of screaming fit and the Irken was forced to buy her a new one to make her shut up. The threats she had been uttering had been most unpleasant too.   
  
Zim had sighed in something closely resembling happiness one he'd reached the station. Humans had a quaint little name for these research facilities, though what they called them escaped him for the moment. Something starting with 'L'... libenberries? Well, whatever they were called was no matter. It was what was _inside_ that counted.   
  
Books.   
  
Rows upon rows upon ROWS of books! Zim still thought it was pitiful how they kept so much vital information in such shabby holdings; paper and ink where there should be wires and data! So while their ancient human technology did slow him down a bit at first - he'd discovered quickly that a book would not flip to another chapter by itself, even if you told it to - he'd gotten used to it for the sake of his mission. A mission which entailed learning about this hideous planet and life forms. Where better to learn about those things than in that horrible skool and in their own research stations? Besides, it was almost... nice here. The humans were usually quiet and Gir was frightened of the building since it apparently 'smelled like beavers', so Zim didn't have to worry about being crushed by a bookcase or other such mayhem.   
  
He'd also 'befriended' an old libenberrian named Ms. Nex who reminded Zim a great deal of his first skool teacher. She spent most of her time sneaking through the shelves of books, snapping at people about washing their hands and remembering due dates. While she was not a pleasant person, she was efficient since anytime you asked for a book on _any_ subject, she would make a point to find it immediately and give it to you, just to show that _she_ knew, and you didn't.   
  
It was her that Zim immediately approached.   
  
"Excuse me, wrinkly human skin bag," Zim said, not noticing the way the old woman's eyes narrowed, "I am looking for a book."   
  
Ms. Nex seemed to brighten, however slightly, at that. "What's the book?"   
  
"Well, it's - " Zim paused, realizing he didn't know of any titles that could help him. This germ was something new; perhaps another book on plagues and disease? He already owned a large number on those, but nothing in them had helped him so far....   
  
"Well?" Ms. Nex said impatiently.   
  
"Er...." Zim thought quickly. Maybe if he described the symptoms.... No, a human wouldn't know what a thumpity-bangalar was, just like a squeedly-spooch. "Uh.... What does it mean," Zim said, choosing his words carefully and trying to sound causal, "when a certain, say, perfectly normal HUMAN organ starts beating at an unnatural pace whenever another human - much like I myself am a human - is around?"   
  
Ms. Nex raised a thin eyebrow. "Hopefully it means that your arteries are finally clogging up with all of the junk food you kids eat nowadays. If we're all lucky, you'll be dead of a heart attack before you're 21. But here." She slipped away for a moment, seeming to reappear next to Zim in only a few moments, handing him a short stack of books. "These are due back next week. Any longer than that and we will repossess your house."   
  
"But you never _possessed_ my house - "   
  
"SILENCE!!" The libenberry shook briefly with her screech and Zim quickly went to check out the books. If he did have some sort of horrible human virus, he wanted to find out in the comfort of his own home instead of in the station. Soon, he was happily heading home and dodging water balloons.   
  
"I'm home, Gir!"   
  
"Oooo!! Are those cakes?!" Gir said, bouncing up and down.   
  
"No, Gir, not cakes," Zim said, shutting the front door behind him, "These are _books_."   
  
Gir 'oooo'd again and approached the stack of books Zim was holding, sniffing them loudly like a dog. Suddenly, the robot screeched in horror. "BEAVERS!!" And with that, it fled screaming from the room.   
  
Zim wondered briefly if perhaps lining the base with books would keep Gir OUT of all of the delicate machinery. Well, it would be worth a try later. For now, he had some reading to do.   
  
He removed the annoying contacts - they still itched after all this time - and the wig, settling down on the couch and looking for the first time at the book titles.   
  
'Kama Sutra of Sexual Positions : The Tantric Art of Love'   
'Coping With Interracial Dating'   
'The History of Sexuality : An Introduction'   
'Lightning that Lingers'   
'Midsummer Magic'   
  
"What the?!" Zim exclaimed, eyes going wide at the titles. This... didn't sound good. Love? Wasn't love some sort of icky human emotion? Had he been wrong all these years? Was it really an icky human germ? It _would_ explain the drooling that some of his classmates were prone to.... And what was a 'kama'? Perhaps a beast related to a 'camel'? Camels with... sutra... hm... suit cases? What did camels with suit cases have to do with his illness? With a great amount of trepidation, he picked up the first book and opened it, surprised to find a note inside.   
  
'Zim -   
  
These are only a FEW of the books on the subject you seek. When you've narrowed down your search, you may return and I will find you some new books. 'A Mind of Its Own : A Cultural History of the Penis' has always been a personal favourite of mine. Until then, read these but don't you DARE crinkle the pages!!!   
  
- Ms. Nex'   
  
Zim grimaced at the image of the angry libenberrian bearing down on him like a slaughtering rat person. Yes, he could take her out in a matter of seconds with his superior Irken mind and technology, but she would probably make his hearing organs explode with her yelling and he simply didn't have the equipment with him to fix such delicate tissue. "Stupid screaming earth monkeys," he muttered to himself as he began to read.   
  
  
  
(note : for the strange and curious, all of the books that Ms. Nex gave Zim are real. The first three you can find on Amazon, as well as the one in her note; I'm not sure about the last two since I found them in a romance novel database. I did my research, darn it, and reality is usually scarier than fiction) 


	3. A Perfectly Normal Day

It was another perfectly normal day for Dib Membrane.   
  
He'd been jerked away from a highly pleasant dream of being awarded the Noble Prize for his capture and then autopsy of Zim by the sound of fire engines. It seemed that Dad had caused some sort of power surge while working on his newest invention - a rocket pack for chickens so they could fly too (penguins and ostriches coming soon!) - which had blown up one of the neighbor's houses. Dib was amazed really that anyone still bothered to move into this neighborhood. Then he had the usual early morning battle to the death for the last of the cereal with Gaz, which he lost, though he did manage to drink the last of the milk before fleeing her wrath back up stairs to get ready for skool.   
  
Ah yes, skool. He'd hoped as he moved into high skool that the other kids would miraculously become smarter as they became older but no; STILL no one seemed to think having green skin and no ears or nose was odd and STILL he got taunted almost relentlessly for trying to point out how abnormal it all really was.   
  
They'd had a few blissfully Bitters-free years of mindless education before the old woman was "promoted" and given a job at the high skool. Somehow, she was the teacher of every single one of Dib's classes. He didn't know how and he didn't know why, unless he'd reeeally pissed someone off in a past life or something. Or maybe Gaz hacked into the skool computers when she was still upset about him accidentally throwing her pig sketch book away. Dib shuddered at the memory.   
  
"Whatsa matter, wussy? Cold even in that stupid trench coat?"   
  
"Maybe he got it because it would make him, heh, _cool_. Get it?!"   
  
A few of the jocks laughed as he walked by, heading up the steps towards the skool. Dib just gritted his teeth and ignored them the best he could. He didn't feel like playing 'dent Dib' today.   
  
"YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!"   
  
Everything suddenly went quiet; it seemed that the random screech had shut everyone up, even the gossipy girls who liked to laugh at Dib in class. Slowly, Dib turned around, though he knew already who had screamed. He could recognize _that_ particular voice from anywhere.   
  
Zim.   
  
Panting and looking ready to kill. His bad toupee was on a little crookedly and one eye seemed to be constantly twitching.   
  
"Uh... me?" Dib said slowly. Zim looked really pissed off, and, Dib figured, that was a good thing. It was always fun to see the 'superior alien race' lose his cool.   
  
"You," Zim seethed, starting to draw a small crowd. Their confrontations weren't anything unusual, but the sheer weirdness of them seemed to amuse their classmates. One or two were passing out popcorn.   
  
"Um, yes, me," Dib said, starting to get annoyed. He was glad to see that he'd apparently done something to upset the alien, but he would reeeally like to know what. Then he could do it again!   
  
"This is all YOUR fault!" Zim said, pointing an accusing finger at Dib. "You.... You infected me with your vile... vile... um... EARTHNESS!" A few of the girls giggled and Zim scowled at them briefly before returning his attention to Dib. "I stayed up all night reading about what YOU did to me. Oh, I'll get you back for this, you WILL pay for this. I'm not going to give into this silly virus and act on my urges because that's what you WANT me to do, isn't it?! You sick waste of organs!"   
  
Dib eyed Zim warily, wondering if maybe he'd fallen into a reeeally big puddle and melted his little alien brain. Infected? Virus? Dib had had a cold, but that had been months ago.... "Look, Zim, I don't know what you're talking about. Maybe if you described the symptoms to me?" he added hopefully, getting out his notepad and a pen. If Zim really was ill, he wanted to know allll about it; maybe it'd be a new way to weaken Zim enough to capture him.   
  
"Ohh, don't act so innocent like some sort of... innocent... thing! Youuu know exactly what you did! YOU DO!"   
  
Dib was kind of surprised Zim's hair piece hadn't fallen all the way off with how he was jumping around. "Zim - "   
  
"You MADE me fall in love with you!!!"   
  
There was a long and deathly silence, until one of the jocks suddenly spoke up.   
  
"The green guy is GAY? Dude! That is SO unnatural!"   
  
Dib stared at Zim who seemed to be almost shaking in rage. Zim... who was in love with.... Nooo. Heh, no no no. Zim was just getting Earth emotions and customs and words confused again. Yes, that's it. He's always doing stupid stuff like that.   
  
"Well?" Zim suddenly spoke up again, eyes narrowing at Dib. "Do you deny it? Do you deny the fact that you made me fall in love with you?"   
  
Dib did the only thing he could think of.   
  
He turned on his heels and fled screaming into the safety of the skool.   
  
  
  
(many, many thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far - 'scept for 'Ice of Death'. I can't say I'm fond of you - , you're doing wonders for my ego. Chapters will be done as I finish writing them. Please don't turn me into a milkshake) 


	4. An Amazing Plan

"Stupid wastes of perfectly good air," Zim muttered darkly. His amazingly stupendous plan had not worked out as amazingly stupendously as it was supposed to have. Dib had acted in a most unexpected way; Zim had been waiting for the triumphant laughter and usual taunts that always happened any time Dib (temporarily, of course) won a small battle over him. Then, naturally, Zim would have been able to deduct with his astounding brain power WHAT exactly the human did to him and how to reverse the horrible process. But he hadn't done any of that, seeming instead to flee in loud and screaming fear from Zim. Maybe love was contagious?  
  
The other skool children had acted most oddly as well. Once Dib fled, the girls split off into their normal groups, all giggling and looking at Zim, making him feel rather uncomfortable. Though, he thought, he shouldn't be too surprised. Most stupid monkey humans seemed to be amused by the pain and confusion of other's. He hadn't had much time to dwell on that, however, for the large and well muscled humans were beginning to say things like 'faggot' and look quite menacing as they flexed their arms and glared. Deciding to corner Dib another day to make him confess then, Zim quickly retreated back home.  
  
"And this is still all so confusing," he said to himself, gently rubbing circles near the sides of his eyes to banish the slight headache that was forming there. "I don't understand the Dib human's fear - all of the books said most humans liked being in... ugh.... love." He shuddered and continued to think, laying comfortably back on the couch again. ".... And what was WRONG with those meaty humans?! 'Gay'? Did I look HAPPY to them?! And then calling me a bundle of sticks all bound together?! Did they not think that I would look the stupid word up?! 'Faggot' indeed! I do not resemble these filthy Earth twigs! FOOLS!"  
  
"FOOLS! I'm gonna go get some tuna," Gir said as it entered and then promptly exited the room. One of Zim's eyes twitched but he ignored the little robot for the moment, focusing on his problems.  
  
"I should really iron out this whole icky... 'love' thing before moving on to destroying the Earth and exterminating these human stink beasts. But how? Surely my amazing brain will think up a plan soon.... Sooooon..... Aaany time now," Zim said, pulling himself off the couch then to begin pacing across the living room carpet. Gir trotted out of the kitchen, following Zim and humming happily, which Zim failed to notice since he was so lost in thought.  
  
"Love.... All humans seem to crave it, and yet it makes them weak, like 'cute' makes them weak. Vulnerable. Which is why, of course, that Dib somehow infected me with it. He intends to make me feel... feel...." Zim paused long enough to think of Dib, concentrating on how he felt while doing so. ".... disturbed. Yes, disturbed and yet warm and squishy! Happy and gooey and... stuff like that! Yes! Yeees so very vulnerable. But I know his little plan, ho ho, I'm on to him, yeees...."  
  
"You're on Dib?"  
  
Zim tripped over his own two feet in his surprise at the sound of Gir's voice. Gir looked at his Master laying there for a second before jumping on his back. "DOGPILE!"  
  
"OW!! NO, OFF GIR! GET OFF OF MEEE!!"  
  
"I'm you, you're on Dib, and we're - hey, where is he? Where is heee?!" Gir suddenly shrieked, hopping off of Zim and running into the other room where Zim could hear the robot rummaging through, and likely breaking, things.  
  
"Dib is not HERE, Gir!" Zim yelled after him before sitting up with a disgusted sigh. "I must plan a counter-attack, so I may find the antidote to this 'love' emotion-type virus.... Virus.... Fled because it's contagious....? THAT'S IT! THAT'S IIIT!!! LOVE IS CONTAGIOUS! I'll just make him fall in love with ME and then we'll both be vulnerable to each other but we won't be really so that'll even the score! HA! I'm so smart sometimes, I scare even myself," Zim said smugly.  
  
"Master!" Gir called from the kitchen, pausing in his rummaging.  
  
"What is it, Gir?"  
  
"It's tea time!"  
  
"Wha - Oh! Bloody antennae!" Zim said, whirling around to look at the clock. "It's been five days since I last reported in to the Tallest! I'll have to return to the research station afterwards to get more books." Zim headed into the kitchen, stepping carefully over the mess Gir had made. "I'm going down in to the base. Don't bother me, Gir, I've got to report in."  
  
"Yessir!" Gir snapped briskly before rooting through another cupboard. "Where's pig?"  
  
---  
  
"You know," Red said, reclined comfortably on a maroon plush chair, "Maybe it's about time we let Zim in on the whole joke and had him come home. He HAS gotten taller."  
  
"Mmm, yes," Purple said thoughtfully, "And then, we can have a child, name her Mary Sue and send her to Earth where she can fall in love with Zim or some stinky Earthaniod."  
  
The two Tallest remained quiet for a moment before bursting into laughter.  
  
"You're right, it was a lousy idea. No matter how tall Zim gets, he's still a danger to himself and oth - "  
  
"Incoming transmission from Earth!" The computer butted in suddenly. The two Irken leaders groaned.  
  
"Speak of the failure," Purple muttered, clicking on the computer screen. "What is it THIS time, Zim?"  
  
"Invader Zim, reporting in, my Tallest," Zim said with a salute. "My mission goes well."  
  
"That's nice," Red said, sounding bored. "Have you conquered the planet yet?" It wasn't particularly important to either of the Tallest if Zim DID take over the Earth or not, but it was amusing to see Zim try and come up with excuses for his lack in progress.  
  
"Er, no, not yet, but SOOOOON! I must first rid myself of this disgusting Earth virus I seem to have been infected with."  
  
"Is it fatal?" both Tallest asked at once, sounding eager.  
  
"Ummm, only sometimes. Maybe if I go throw myself off of 'Lover's Leap' or the like.... But do not worry yourselves, my Tallest! I shall make sure that I do no such silly, silly thing."  
  
Purple's antennae drooped slightly while Red cursed.  
  
"Well, that's all for now! I must make use of these human's research stations once more. Invader Zim, signing off!" Zim's image was replaced by static and the two Tallest sighed.  
  
"We reeeally should've sent him to one of those exploding head planets," Red said, grumbling. "Least then he wouldn't be reporting in all the time."  
  
"He wouldn't be reporting in at all. It IS rather difficult to talk with no head. Maybe we can set up some sort of block - "  
  
" - or just tell him to stop calling us - "  
  
" - or just go to this 'Earth' and blow it up with Zim still on it - "  
  
" - or ... Oooh, I like that one."  
  
"I knew you would." 


	5. I just called....

Zim sat back, wiping some sweat from his brow, and looked carefully over the plans he'd spent the past three days working on. They were perfect - flawless in every way! ... except that stain of grape juice in one corner from Gir but he ignored that. He'd done his research, oh yes, coming back with ten books from the research station after reporting in to the Tallest. All of them had been most informative; 'The Secrets of Winning Men', 'How to Make Anyone Fall in Love With You', etc. Zim knew, of course, that he could get Dib to fall in love with him without outside help, but it was always good to try and see things from a filthy human's point of view when dealing with the aforementioned species. So he'd read, thought, and plotted until he finally formulated the perfect plan. And now... it was ready.  
  
"Prepare yourself for the full force of Irken love, Dib," Zim said with an evil chuckle.  
  
---  
  
Dib hadn't come out of his room for longer than ten minutes to either get food or use the bathroom since returning home from school that fateful day. Even curled up underneath his blankets, he could still hear the other kids' voices.  
  
"Do you think he's gay too?"  
  
"I always knew he was a fag! Just look at those boots!"  
  
"I thought you and the green guy were already going out."  
  
Dib shuddered. Going out? With ZIM? God, everyone else really WAS blind, he thought to himself, I hate Zim. He's the reason no one else takes me seriously - well, a big part of the reason anyways. He's trying to destroy all of mankind and take over the planet!  
  
Of course, none of this seemed to faze Gaz in the slightest. All she said, without even looking up from her game as they walked home, was, "So _are_ you gay?"  
  
Dib didn't know. And really, he didn't care. He just wasn't attracted to anyone. Sure, some of the girls at skool were kind of pretty, but they all thought he was insane and liked to point and laugh at him, so what little appeal they held was fleeting. As for the guys - well, he never looked. Most of them were too busy pummeling the crap out of him to warrant any sort of fond emotion. Besides, he didn't need or want a social life. All he needed was his drive, his obsession, and Zim.  
  
And Zim....  
  
"Uuugh," Dib groaned, covering his head with a pillow. "No wonder that girl thought we were going out! I've been chasing him, literally, for years! Nng... this is so sick and wrong."  
  
Alright, the logical voice in his head kicked in, let's think this over... I have no social life. No interest, really, in another human being. I do have a lot of interest in Zim - just... not in that way. Yet? No, not ever. Well... not yet. And Zim - Zim has convinced his alien brain that he's in love with me. How that happened - hey, how the hell DID that happen?! Last time I checked he wanted to turn me inside out! When the hell did he .... what's that noise?  
  
Dib carefully lifted the pillow off of his head, peering out of his cocoon of blankets. It sounded like someone was tapping on his window, but he was on the second story so it was impossible. Unless some of the jocks from skool had found him and were throwing rocks at his window. Scowling, Dib wrestled his way free of his blankets and padded over to his window in his pajamas, deciding that if it _was_ a bunch of muscle-bound idiots, he'd just have to make a quick trip down to Dad's lab....  
  
Dib opened the window, peering outside. Since it was the middle of the night, the town was dark and silent - except for that one brightly lit part of his front yard. To Dib's increasing horror, the little patch of light seemed to be surrounding one very green looking person with a karaoke machine.... And, if Dib was not mistaken, the green person seemed to be singing....  
  
" - first of spring, no song to siiing,  
In fact here's just another ordinary daaay,  
No April rain,  
No flooowers bloom,  
No wedding Saturday within the month of June,  
But what it iiiiis, is something true,  
Made up of these three words that I must say to youuu  
  
I just called to say I love youuu  
I just called to say how much I caa - "  
  
Dib slammed his window shut. That was... disturbing. Horribly, horribly disturbing. Zim was... Zim was serenading him?! Maybe he _had_ fallen into a really large puddle....  
  
There was a knock on his door. "Son?" The muffled, sleepy voice of Professor Membrane made itself audible. "Could you tell your little foreign friend to keep it down out there?"  
  
"HE'S NOT MY FRIEND!! I'M NOT GAY!!"  
  
"That's nice...." Dib listened to his Dad's footsteps shuffle back off before opening the window.  
  
"Hey! Zim!"  
  
Zim paused in mid-chorus, peering up at Dib. "Yes?"  
  
"What are you - why did you - go away!!"  
  
A strange look flickered across Zim's face, but Dib wasn't sure what it was - or if he hadn't just imagined it. "You want me to go away?" Zim called up softly.  
  
"YES! I'm trying to get some sleep!" That was a lie, but his Dad was and he was waiting for Gaz to come pounding on his door at any moment now to tell him to shut up.  
  
"Oh," Zim said, blinking. He was quiet for a moment before he puffed out his slight chest. "I shall return during the day then or I will find you at skool! You cannot escape my love, Dib! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!"  
  
Dib watched the cackling alien pack-up the karaoke machine and spot-light before leaving, laughing all the while which set off a few car alarms. Sighing, Dib closed his window and headed back to bed. Maybe he _should_ go to skool tomorrow - his grades were bound to suffer if he didn't show up soon. Then again, the thought of Zim singing him love songs in front of the entire skool....  
  
Dib decided to stay in bed until he thought up a plan.  
  
---  
  
"How did 'Operation : Love' go?" Gir inquired as Zim walked through the front door, the robot's attention momentarily diverted from it's favourite show.  
  
"Not as smoothly as I expected," Zim said, removing his disguise, "It seems I was interrupting his sleeping patterns."  
  
"Awww. Ooo, the monkey is growling!"  
  
"That... monkey!" Zim shuddered before heading for the underground base. Phase one had gone a bit off-course, but phase two.... Zim grinned. The filthy human would never know what hit him.  
  
  
  
(again, the books are real. Fear reality. The song, 'I Just Called To Say I Love You', is the property of Stevie Wonder and was chosen for my own amusement. Many thanks to everyone's support and positive feedback for this fic so far, I - as well as my ego - really appreciate it. Also mucho thanks to Shiawase for being a wonderful beta reader and putting up with me in general) 


	6. Chocolates and Slime

It had been a long, long day.  
  
Dib'd had trouble falling back to sleep (green aliens with the singing talent of dead woodchucks kept haunting his dreams) and by the time he'd gotten himself downstairs in the morning, Gaz had eaten all of the cereal, so he had to content himself with a cold Pop Tart. Then when Gaz went off to skool since he was taking another 'sick day' off (his dad was already gone), he'd had nothing to do but go back over his old notes on Zim and watch day time talk shows. Watching people more screwed up than himself was always refreshing.  
  
Still, he couldn't keep from eyeing the clock, wondering if and when Zim would show up. Dib just hoped Zim would leave the karaoke machine at home this time. "That's really probably the single most disturbing thing he's done," Dib said to himself as he idly flipped channels on the TV, "I mean, sure, the whole organ stealing thing left a lot of physical damage but this... I'm pretty sure I'm going to need therapy for this."  
  
Dib couldn't help but admit that he was intrigued, however. Sure, it was weird - really, freakishly, horribly weird - but he was curious as to why Zim thought that he was in love with HIM and how it even happened in the first place. "And maybe," Dib continued, "this will be a chance to gather more information on what makes that little alien terror tick and - "  
  
The doorbell rang.  
  
Dib blinked and clicked off the TV. He reeeally hoped it wasn't anyone for his dad; his dad's colleges all liked to pretend he didn't exist and would continue yapping, asking for his father, until he slammed the door in their faces and the fans... well, a lot of the fans were just plain scary. The doorbell rang again and Dib hopped off the couch with a sigh. "I'm coming, I'm coming!" He opened the door and was greeted with a very interesting sight.  
  
Zim, in what appeared to be a hazardous materials suit, holding a bunch of flowers and a mangled looking box of chocolates. "Hello, Dib," Zim's muffled voice came through, "I said I'd be back."  
  
"Um, right," Dib said, staring at this odd spectacle on his doorstep. "You... wanna come inside or something?" The neighbors were starting to stare.  
  
"That would be lovely." Zim stepped inside, waiting until Dib closed the door before removing the bulky suit, revealing himself to be in his normal human disguise. He packed it up before thrusting the flowers and box at Dib. "For you."  
  
"Oookay. Thanks, I think," Dib said, eyeing the two gifts. "What's with the biohazard suit?"  
  
"Oh that? Just a little precaution."  
  
"Against what? Raining toxic waste?"  
  
"Ha ha ha, nooo silly human. The beeeeees." Dib watched as Zim looked around paranoidly, absently making a note to figure out a way to fill a water balloon with bees sometime.  
  
"Right, the bees. What happened to the box?"  
  
Zim scowled at that. "Gir." It'd been a true battle to get the box of candies away from the sweet-toothed robot. He'd only managed to salvage about half of them and just hoped that none of the remaining ones had any Gir drool on them, or that Dib at least wouldn't notice if they did.  
  
"Oh, well, it's the thought that counts, I guess...." Dib said, looking at the gifts a bit warily now. He couldn't be entirely sure that this wasn't some part of a really, really, REALLY strange scheme to somehow defeat him... but it certainly didn't seem like it. 'Maybe Zim's just finally gone crazy,' Dib thought to himself. "I'm going to go put these in water. You... make yourself comfortable, or something," Dib said as he headed into the kitchen.  
  
Zim nodded after him and took this chance to look around the Membrane's living room. He'd only really gotten a decent look at it once before, when he'd invaded Dib's body, but that had been years ago. Still, nothing seemed to have changed much and he plopped comfortably down on the couch, waiting for Dib to return so he could begin the next phase of his amazing new plan.  
  
After a few moments, Dib reappeared, but held up a hand when Zim opened his mouth to speak. "Uh-uh. I have a few questions to ask you, Zim."  
  
Zim's eyes narrowed a bit at not being allowed to continue on with his plan but he shrugged. "Ask away, filthy one."  
  
"Alright, first off," Dib began, pacing as he spoke, "you do know that insulting someone is generally NOT a way to expression affection. Do you mind explaining that?"  
  
"Old habits die hard, cliché as it may be," Zim said with another shrug. "I was going to attempt to cut back on my observations of your personal hygiene, however."  
  
One of Dib's eyes twitched. "Yeah, that would be appreciated, thanks. Secondly, how do you even know that you're in love with ME?"  
  
"It's all very simple, Dib," Zim said, sounding like a bored science teacher, "Whenever you are near me, you increase the pace of my thumpity-bangalar - "  
  
"Your what?"  
  
"It's an organ," Zim said impatiently before continuing with his 'lecture'. "Anyways, I've also been suffering from these horrible visions of you in my head. You humans seem to get them too, but you call them 'fantasies' instead of 'horrible visions' and yours seem to be caused generally by 'hormones'. I've also found myself craving your company these past few days and I've become increasingly interested in if a mating process would be possible - "  
  
"NO WAY!!!"  
  
" - though you don't seem to be interested. Don't worry though, I'll make you interested yet!" Zim eyed Dib, and if Dib didn't know better, he seemed to be shooting him an interesting variation of the 'come hither' look. Dib naturally took a step back.  
  
"Okay, now that I'm really, really sorry that I asked that.... I didn't even know you aliens could feel love," Dib said, blinking.  
  
Zim rolled his eyes. "Well, duuuh. I mean, we can feel happiness and sadness and... stuff like that, just like you disgusting sacks of flesh can. Why would you think that we couldn't?"  
  
"Well.... You've never exactly shown fond feelings towards anyone," Dib pointed out.  
  
"Do YOU show fond feelings towards any of our classmates?"  
  
Dib thought about how the kids at skool treated him. "Um, no." There wasn't exactly anyone there that he was fond of, between the teasing, taunting, and beating.  
  
"I rest my case," Zim said smugly, crossing his arms over his chest.  
  
Dib eyed the smirking alien reclined on his couch. If Zim really WAS in love with him, as he claimed, then maybe, just maybe, this would be a good chance to try and get some information on his race out of him. As casually as he could, Dib pulled a computer pad out of his pocket, readying himself to start typing down information. "Sooo, how common are relationships in your species?"  
  
Zim tapped a gloved finger against his chin briefly in thought. "Not very common. They aren't needed to further the species and most of an Irken's life is spent working. Still, they do happen from time to time." He decided to leave out any mention of the rumors surrounding the Tallest's true relationship; he didn't feel like explaining all of Irken society to the ignorant human.  
  
"What about inter-species relationships?"  
  
Zim shuddered a bit. "Rare, thank goodness. You humans are one of maybe three species that are compatible with us. I mean, really, imagine falling in love with a slaughtering rat person! It's laughable! .... Mwah. Mwahahah. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!--"  
  
Dib waited for Zim to stop laughing, which took about three minutes, before asking his next question. "Slaughtering rat person??"  
  
"Yes, yes, from the planet Blorch, but they're not important," Zim said, waving a hand dismissively. "Are you done with your annoying questions now?"  
  
"No, I - "  
  
"Good!" Zim hopped to his feet. "For now I wish to ask something of my own." Dib looked up from his computer to see Zim approaching him, looking determined. Panic immediately overtook Dib and he quickly began to back away, looking around frantically for the closest lamp or _anything_ that he could use to keep Zim at bay. Zim paused briefly, frowning at Dib. "Oh don't be stupid, human. I'm not going to _hurt_ you." And with that, Zim promptly tackled him.  
  
"GAAAH!! GET OFF ME!! I HAVE A WATER BALLOON AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT!! GET OFF - "  
  
Dib's words and struggles were cut short as a cold, almost reptilian tongue slipped into his mouth and cool lips pressed over his own, effectively muffling his protests.  
  
Dib's first thought was that he had to get Zim off of him right _now_.  
  
His second was that he could probably make a bundle by selling his story to Wacky World News.  
  
Dib's struggles started anew, but the alien was stronger than he seemed. Dib considered briefly just biting the invading tongue, before deciding against it since he didn't know just how fragile it was, and the thought of Zim bleeding in his mouth and all over him was really disgusting. He stilled finally in defeat, though it would be a short one, he assured himself, as Zim continued to apparently explore his mouth, his segmented tongue tasting and touching everything.  
  
Finally, Zim pulled away and Dib stared up at him in openmouthed shock while Zim seemed to be thinking. "Hm," he said finally, "that was slimier than I thought it would be. But not unpleasant. Hmmm. Most interesting. Now, what did you think?"  
  
It took Dib a moment to find his voice again. "I THINK," he said, fuming, "that you should never do that again!"  
  
Dib almost felt bad as an odd look briefly crossed Zim's face. "You didn't like it?"  
  
"Well...." Okay, so he _did_ feel bad. Maybe Zim was serious about being in love with him after all. Dib just wished he wouldn't be so... so... so just plain strange about going about it. "Look, the kiss was...." He trailed off, looking for a word that wouldn't upset the alien further, ".... not bad. But you don't FORCE people to let you kiss them! Conquering people and conquering planets are two very different things!"  
  
Zim seemed to consider this, though then his eyes narrowed at Dib. "If I released you, would you let me kiss you again?"  
  
Dib was actually leaning towards the whole 'run away screaming' idea, but there were some annoying voices nagging at him. Come on, one whispered, that did feel really nice. All of someone's attention, someone's _positive_ attention, focused on just you. Not someone asking about your dad or one of Gaz's gamer friends. Someone who is actually in love with you - even if he is short, weird, and green. That's right, another spoke up, an alien. This is your big chance to learn all about him and his species. You can break it off when you've got everything you need.  
  
Dib frowned internally at that last one; while it WAS tempting, it was also pretty immoral. But still.... And then the first voice did have a point. The kiss had been... pretty nice. Dib looked up into Zim's accusing face and sighed. "Yes, I would."  
  
Zim blinked in surprise before regarding Dib again suspiciously. "Okay, but if you try to run off, I'll remove the bones from your legs."  
  
"Uh...."  
  
Zim slowly got off of Dib, watching him carefully all the while. Dib sighed again and sat up, stretching out his arms. "Ahh, good old blood circulation...." He smiled as he wiggled his fingers.  
  
"Dib?"  
  
"Yeah Zim?"  
  
"I'm going to kiss you again now.  
  
"I don't think that's a good - mmf!"  
  
His third thought was that hopefully Gaz wouldn't be coming home from skool early. 


	7. Gir's Announcement

Phase two, Zim thought to himself smugly, had gone very well indeed.  
  
Dib's early struggles had come as something of a surprise since everything Zim read had told him that humans yearned for this "love", cherishing it above almost every other emotion. All humans wanted to love and be loved and blah blah blah. Load of sentimental nonsense, really. Irkens, while they were of course perfectly capable of feeling love, dealt with the whole thing so much more rationally than these silly humans with their poems and flowers and trashy romance novels. One would simply do something grand, bold, and usually life-threatening, to attract the attention of the would-be mate. Then, you profess your feelings, and if they were returned, you consummate the relationship and everything is fine and dandy.  
  
But nooo. Not here on Earth. First, you flirt. Then you go through the whole courtship ritual which seemed to vary from stupid stunts not even the bravest Irken would consider to impress a mate to simply showering the object of affection with gifts until they accepted you if only to make you stop. Then there was 'dating', which seemed a lot like courtship to Zim except with more action. Next was being 'engaged', then 'marriage', at which time mating might finally take place, unless it already happened on at the first date. Confusing, stupid things. Zim had no idea at what human stage he was at with Dib now; Dib had not mentioned anything about his own feelings, yet he had eventually become quite enthused about the whole kissing thing. Confusing Earth stink monkey! It was all Dib's fault, as usual.  
  
He'd practically dragged Zim up the stairs to his room when he heard the back door open, announcing the arrival of the scary human girl that Dib was related to. Zim'd been tossed into the room, told not to make a sound and to stay put. And stay put he did - while absently tinkering with Dib's computer, deleting incriminating files, and shredding various photos, of course. While Zim was growing increasing fond of the human, he wasn't about to pass up this chance in enemy territory.  
  
Finally after about an hour, Dib returned. Luckily for Zim, he'd given up on his mini mission of destruction and was now flipping through a UFO 'zine on Dib's bed. He glanced up as Dib entered the room, shutting and locking the door behind him.  
  
"Took you long enough."  
  
"Sorry. We were out of cereal so Gaz and I had to run to the store and figure out which brand to get next," Dib said with an apologetic shrug of his shoulders.  
  
"And you just LEFT me here?!"  
  
"What was I suppose to do?!"  
  
"Ohh, I don't know," Zim said sarcastically with a little wave of his gloved hand. "You could have, say... come up here and told me! Do you have any idea how BORED I was?"  
  
"Look, I said I was so-" Dib's words were cut off as his eyes fell on the small pile of shredded photos in his trash can. ".... I think you kept yourself busy enough."  
  
"Hmph." Zim looked back down at the open magazine in front of him. It was proving an... interesting read. Most of it was complete junk - really, what self respecting alien life form would abduct some smelly human with crooked teeth and hardly any hair for the sole purpose of probing them?! Then again, the one-eyed rock creatures from Granitia were rather odd.... But the aliens described all seemed to resemble an Irken! Green skinned, large eyes that were usually red... but the technology was all wrong and any self respecting invader would wear _clothing_, unlike the pictures. He'd have to look into these articles more. As well as this horrible 'Bat Boy'....  
  
"Are you going to just sit there reading that?"  
  
"Maybe. I could kiss you again."  
  
"No!" Dib back tracked quickly and Zim looked up once more with an annoyed sigh.  
  
"What is WRONG with you?" Really, Dib was _not_ reacting how humans were _suppose_ to act when confronted with love.  
  
"What - what is wrong with ME? MEEE?! I'm not the psychotic little alien going around professing his love to his worst enemy! I think the question here is what is wrong with you!"  
  
"I already told you what was wrong with me," Zim said, his annoyance clear. "I'm in love with you."  
  
"Yes, but - "  
  
"End of discussion!"  
  
Dib gritted his teeth, glaring at the alien sprawled comfortably on his bed, before sighing, his shoulders slumping in defeat. He carefully stepped over the small mess Zim had made and sat down on the edge of his bed, watching Zim for a moment, thinking. "Hey Zim?"  
  
"The face of your Messiah appeared on the side of a cow in Kansas?" Zim muttered to himself outloud before blinking, looking up at the confused looking Dib. "What?"  
  
"Uhh.... Oh! If we're going to be, um," Dib said, brow furrowing as he attempted to find the correct term, "mates or... whatever... don't you think I should know more about your culture?" He quickly got out another computer pad, looking at Zim hopefully.  
  
Zim eyed Dib skeptically for a moment before closing the magazine. "What do you wanna know?" After all, he could always lie.  
  
"Alright, your race, it's... Irken, right?" He'd caught that much from Zim's little 'explanation' earlier. Zim nodded. "Okay. Do all Irken look like you?"  
  
"Mmm.... For the most part, I guess. Well, there are a few other eye colours. Red is the most common, but purple is a close second. Some do have green or blue though," Zim said, eyes narrowed slightly in thought.  
  
"But everyone has green skin?"  
  
"Unless it's been ripped off of them, yes."  
  
Dib blinked. "Ripped... off of them?"  
  
"Not all races are as weak as yours."  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Well they're not! You humans are pathetic! PATHETIC! How your ancestors weren't killed off by those big... wooly... elephant... things... I'll never know! Conquering this ball of filth will be doing it a favour," Zim finished disgustedly.  
  
Dib stared at him for a moment. He wasn't too surprised by Zim's little outburst; even if Zim was, somehow, really in love with him, he obviously still detested the rest of mankind. There was one teeny tiny little thing bothering him though. "Conquering....?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"You're... still going to conquer the Earth?!" Dib asked incredulously.  
  
Zim blinked at him, looking as if Dib had just asked if fish really swim in the sea. "Uh, yeeeah."  
  
"What?!" Dib hopped up, gaping open mouthed at the alien. "How - what - ahh! Alright, do you REALLY think that I'm going to agree to, um, be with you or whatever if you're still planning on enslaving the human race?!"  
  
Zim's expression didn't change. "Yes."  
  
"Well you're wrong," Dib said, folding his arms over his chest. "There is NO way I'm - wait. That's it, isn't it? That's your little plan! You were going to throw me off of your trail with all of this love talk!"  
  
"That would be a really _stupid_ plan," Zim sneered.  
  
Dib rolled his eyes. "Right, like ruling mankind with a giant hamster wasn't?"  
  
"Ultra-Peepi was a BRILLIANT plan!! It just... didn't go... as... planned," Zim said weakly before hopping off of Dib's bed as well, glaring at the human. "Now look, Dib, I'm in love with you. I don't like it - well, no, I guess I do, it does feel kind of nice.... But I digress!! This isn't a plot or a scheme or a plan. If it was, you'd be dead by now and I'd be ruling over any survivors of my amazing take-over with an iron fist."  
  
"I kind of doubt that."  
  
"Silence! If you agree to spend more time with me, and by that I mean time in which we enjoy each other's company and you stop trying to get evidence of my Irken nature, I promise not to enslave you or your little family once I take over the planet."  
  
"What about everyone else?" Dib asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Dead or enslaved. But really, doesn't 'everyone else' deserve it?"  
  
"Well...." The kids at skool did, sure, but the rest of mankind? "I dunno...."  
  
Zim frowned at him for a moment before dismissing the subject with a little wave of his hand. "You can give me your final answer tomorrow. Right now... I desire Earth cola! Where do you keep them?"  
  
"I think Gaz has the last one."  
  
"Curses! Hm, well, back to kissing."  
  
"Wait a sec - mmf! Mm...."  
  
---  
  
"Incoming transmission from Earth!"  
  
The Tallest groaned in perfect unison.  
  
"I thought we had that frequency blocked!" Red exclaimed angrily, flopping back into a chair where he proceeded to rub the sides of his head to ward off his headache.  
  
"We did," Purple said, sounding defeated. Zim was like some sort of little insect that kept popping up, no matter how many times they squashed it. Scolding, banishing, sending him off into the cold, cold depths of space with the hopes that he'd fly into a sun.... None of it ever seemed to work. With a sigh, he clicked the screen and sound on. "What is it... now??"  
  
The two Tallest blinked at the screen. Instead of being greeted with the usual sight of Zim, the screen displayed Gir wildly bouncing around the base, pressing buttons and ricocheting off of things.  
  
"He still works," Red said, sounding amazed.  
  
"Yes, very well put together garbage."  
  
"Would you expect any less from me?"  
  
"I won't answer that." Purple tapped a long finger on the console in thought. "It must've accidentally opened up the link...."  
  
"Do you think it accidentally killed Zim?" Red asked hopefully.  
  
"Ooo, let's find out. GIR!"  
  
The robot paused it's mayhem and looked around wildly. "God?! But... I have no more money! Don't toss me into your flaming inferno! Whyyy the flaming inferno?!" Gir burst into sobs.  
  
"Uh...."  
  
"Flaming... inferno?"  
  
Purple coughed loudly and Gir stopped crying, looking around again before it spotted the screen displaying the images of the two Irken leaders. Immediately, it jumped to it's feet and saluted, eyes flashing red. "My Lords!"  
  
"It's almost spooky when it does that," Red mused in the background as Purple tried to keep a straight face.  
  
"Where is your Master, Zim?" Purple asked.  
  
Gir's eyes went back to their normal colour and it clapped it's hands with a little giggle. "He's over at Dib's house!"  
  
"Dib? What is a Dib?" Red asked from the background, too comfortable to move from his chair.  
  
"Dib is the human Master is in luuuuv with!" Gir squealed, hugging itself before blinking. "Monkey show! Bye-bye!"  
  
The screen clicked off, leaving the Tallest staring in stunned silence for a moment.  
  
"Zim....?"  
  
"In love....?"  
  
Slowly, a wide grin broke out across Purple's face and he turned back to look at Red. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"  
  
"That we need to install more lasers at Conventia for the meeting next week?"  
  
Purple's grin faltered somewhat. "Um, no."  
  
"Oh. Uh...." Red thought for a moment, eyes narrowing in thought. "Uhhh.... Ohh! The whole Zim being in love with an alien deal?"  
  
"Yes," Purple said, "I have a plan...."  
  
  
  
(note : Sorry this chapter took a bit to get posted. I've been working on the Fic That Is Eating My Brain as well as this, so it's a fun juggling act. For those curious, I plan on wrapping 'Complications' here up in another chapter or two. I hope. I really, really hope. Many, many thanks again to everyone who's reviewed so far!) 


	8. Choices and Changes

(note : My apologies with the absolute freak lateness of this chapter. I was hit smack in the forehead with inspiration, shaped oddly like a wiffle ball, for an original story of mine. In my little writing world, my original stories get precedent over my fanfiction. My apologies again and I hope you enjoy this new installment)  
  
  
  
  
Zim hummed a happy little tune that he had picked up from one of those infomercials Gir liked to stare mindlessly at (until it would pipe up suddenly about needing muscle toner) as he headed home. The day had gone rather well so far; he was able to spend much of it out of the house, which was always a bonus, and that out of the house time was spent at Dib's, in which much physical contact was made. Not as much as Zim would've liked, but he was sure to work his way up - or down, as the case may be - within the week.  
  
He walked past the gnomes who didn't bother to even turn at his approach and opened the door to the sounds of Gir squealing about something or another and various robotic arms hanging limply down from the ceiling, sparks fizzling around them. Since this wasn't at all unusual, Zim bothered to shut the door and remove his disguise before looking for Gir, who he found shredding newspaper on the living room floor.  
  
"Gir! What is the meaning of this horrible mess?" Zim barked, pulling himself up to his full Irken height, despite that it wasn't really much.  
  
Gir stuffed a few pages of newspaper into it's mouth, chewing them down before turning to Zim and proclaiming gleefully, "Today is a good day to make new friends and my lucky numbers are 6, 9, and 42."  
  
"Okay...." Zim decided it was best to just not asking what Gir was talking about with numbers and repeated his question.  
  
"Oh!" Gir stood up suddenly, metallic arms waving in it's excitement, "I was bouncing around and like WHEE and it was like WHEE and pig was there and so was the guy with the big head and the baby and we had crumpets and then I remember I was out of hemorrhoid cream so I was going to the store to get some more when God called and I was all 'Hi God!' and God was all 'Hi Gir! Is Zim there?' and I was all 'Nooo, Master is away!' and God was all 'Okay, tell him I have a flaming inferno!' and I was all 'Okay God!' and did you know that God has a flaming inferno, Master?"  
  
Zim stared for a moment at the crazy little robot before speaking, "No, actually, I did not. Thank-you for filling me in on that." He couldn't help but wonder sometime how to fix Gir's defective parts; he'd taken a look inside the robot once but the secret technology had obviously been disguised as pieces of junk. Zim figured the Tallest did that to fool the... foolish... humans.  
  
"And - And - And you're welcome, Master! Ooo, there's a shoe sale!" And with that, Gir went back to stuffing it's mouth full of newspaper.  
  
Zim slapped a gloved hand to his head in annoyance before turning and heading for the lab entrance. He has a nasty feeling there was a lot of cleaning up to be done.  
  
"It's a shame all of those dog sitters were too weak to deal with Gir properly and had to get dragged off in crazy buckets...."  
  
---  
  
"Two more twists and - Gir, get away from that! Away, I said! AWAY! Go upstairs and play with the gnomes!"  
  
"I'm coming, David!"  
  
Zim sighed in relief, shoulders sagging as Gir bounded away. "Though now I'm probably going to have to repair the gnome defense system later," he muttered to himself as he finished fixing the Equalizing Stabilizing Not Very Wobbly Unless You Kicked It Good Disc, commonly referred to simply as 'the disc thingy'.  
  
When the computer suddenly beeped with the message of an incoming transmission, Zim almost growled, antennae going flat back against his head. "Didn't that robot leave ANYTHING intact? I just ask for a few hours to try and mate with a human but nooo...." In frustration his slammed his fist down on the 'receive message' button, expecting static.  
  
He was understandably surprised to see the Tallest.  
  
"Hello Zim," Red said, sounding cheerful.  
  
"How's the mission going?" Purple asked from beside him.  
  
Zim stared briefly at the picture before pinching one of his own antennae hard, eliciting a sharp yelp. "Oh, I'm not unconscious...."  
  
"Uhhh, no you're not," Red said, looking at Zim oddly.  
  
Zim gave a little nervous laugh and a salute, wondering what was going on. The Tallest... the Tallest called HIM first! And they were asking about the mission! Maybe... maybe they were finally sending the Armada! Then Dib would see that the threat was too great to stand up to so he'd agree to Zim's little deal and Zim would finally get to take over the Earth! Zim waited breathlessly for the Tallest to speak again.  
  
The two Irken stared at Zim for a long moment before Red turned to Purple who shrugged wordlessly. Red gave a little cough before looking back to Zim. "Zim, we'd like to talk to you."  
  
"Yes?" Zim leaned forward, feeling like oxitonian worms were squirming just beneath his squiddly-spooch.   
  
Red straightened up and grinned, eyes narrowing at the Invader who if he'd bothered to figure out the warning signs over years of ticking off the Tallest would have been suddenly alarmed. But, Zim being Zim, he simply waited for the good news.  
  
"You have a decision to make, Zim," Red said, voice coated in malice, as Purple nodded in agreement from his side.   
  
Zim's hopes deflated every so slightly at the tone before he figured he was going to be asked to decide something like would he like the Earth invaded at lunch or dinner time. "Okay, what do I have to decide? If it's the matter of if the laser-weasel experiment was a success or not, I'd have to say - "  
  
"No," Red snapped irritably, "This has nothing to deal with weasels. It has come to our attention that you are currently in some sort of romantic relationship with an Earthanoid."  
  
Only now did it strike Zim how angry the Tallest looked. "But!" Zim's eyes widened. How could they know?! He had only mentioned Dib in reports as an annoying human who should likely be removed, so how?! "But - but many of us have relationships outside of our own species!"  
  
"_Conquered_ species, Zim," Red corrected firmly, "And since you have not yet taken over the planet...." He trailed off for a moment before tilting his head at Zim. "You DO see how being in love with a member of a species you're suppose to be enslaving could pose a problem to your mission?"  
  
Zim's antennae drooped slightly. They were right, of course. It would be much more difficult to take over the Earth while spending extra time with Dib, who would only try to thwart his plans. "Yes, sir." Maybe if he could arrange something to see Dib in private and not let him spy on him as much - but he'd BEEN seeing Dib in private and Dib made a horrible, horrible spy! He'd just been lucky that Gir had been having another defective day when he snuck in to take that photo of Zim, years ago.  
  
"So," Red continued, straightening up to his impressive full height once more, "You must make a choice. Your mission or your human."  
  
The Tallest waited patiently as Zim thought - thought about his time at the Academy, about his first mission, about putting fires out, about being sent to Earth. He thought about Dib, his annoyance over the human's determination, his begrudging... admiration for his persistence, his theories over how much hair gel the human used. Zim's green brow furrowed as he looked at the floor as if it would provide his answers, his choice. Finally, he answered, puffing out his little chest bravely.   
  
"I... I chose the mission."  
  
"Well that's a pity Zim, you were almost a decent inva - WHAAAT?!" Red and Purple gaped open mouthed as Zim continued.  
  
"It is my duty as an Irken Invader to ignore my emotions in favour of the mission to advance the glory of the Irken Empire and conquer this stink-ball." He bowed his head slightly, looking dejected but determined all the same. "The mission must come first!"  
  
The two Irken leaders stared for another moment before Red turned to Purple, whispering harshly. "You said he'd chose the Earthaniod!"  
  
"I thought he would! Ah, Zim," Purple said smoothly, moving in front of a very grumpy looking Red, "Maybe you should think your choice over."  
  
Zim blinked. "What do you mean? The mission must be the foremost in every Invader's mind! That's what we had drilled into our brains back at the Academy!"  
  
"Uh, yes, well," Purple was rubbing his hands together in a slightly nervous gesture and his eyes darted around as he thought quickly, "Well, you see, Zim, it's, um - you're not an Invader anymore."  
  
It was Zim's turn to stare. "Wha - what?! But my Tallest - "  
  
Purple waved a hand reassuringly, "Now now, don't get so upset, we're not going to banish you... again. You see, you're being... um... promoted!" Red made a choking noise from behind Purple who hushed the other leader quickly.  
  
"Promoted...? You mean...." Zim was suddenly filled with a rush of excitement, "You mean I'm going to finally get to be in charge of a fleet?! Oh, thank-you, thank-you, my Ta - "  
  
"NO! No, no!" Purple cut him off again, shaking his head firmly. Zim in charge of a fleet... the thought was enough to send him into violent convulsions. "You're being promoted to... ah... a very rare and highly sought position."  
  
"Especially rare for one of your height," Red added in, going along with Purple.  
  
"What is it?" Zim asked eagerly. This was beyond his wildest dreams! ... Well, no, not his _wildest_, but it was pretty out there. The Tallest truly did favour him! He always knew it.  
  
"Um... uh.... Diplomat!" Purple suddenly said brightly.  
  
The Invader stared again. "Diplo... mat?" Zim said in confusion, slowly sounding the word out.  
  
Naturally, there were a few high ranking Irken officers who carried out diplomatic missions. However these missions mostly consisted of assuring neighbors of a recently conquered planet that no, of course they wouldn't be next and then being stationed on one of these planets to spy and tell the next approaching fleet important information, something like Invaders. Old Invaders actually usually made the best diplomats, although the very existence of Irken who talked to weaker races first instead of just shooting them was surrounded in myth and rumour.  
  
"Yes, you're going to be a diplomat," Purple said with a nod, doing his best to ignore Red's odd look.  
  
"What does a... diplomat... do?"  
  
"Well, it's a lot like being an Invader, only without the, you know, invasion. We have decided NOT to conquer the Earth as it may prove it be a useful ally to us sometime in the future. As a token of our goodwill towards it's people, you will stay on the planet, acting as however you see fit - as long as you stay THERE."  
  
Zim considered this. He wasn't sure how much he liked this 'no invasion' thing - really, the Earth deserved to fall before the awesome might of the Irken empire and he was born to be an Invader! Though... this would solve his problem with Dib....  
  
"And I will report back to you....?"  
  
"Once every, oh, three-hundred years," Purple said with a wave of his hand, "As a diplomat, you don't need to worry about sending us too many reports. In fact you could... never report to us again!" The two Tallest grinned.  
  
"So, as one of your Almighty Tallest, I am now promoting you to the rank of diplomat. Your new mission begins today."  
  
"And you can keep the SIR unit," Red added.  
  
Zim nodded. Diplomat Zim.... It'd be different, but a change might be nice. And the Tallest never said diplomats _couldn't_ blow things up.... "I understand, my Tallest," Zim said with a salute.  
  
"Excellent," Red nodded, "Good luck with your new mission, diplomat." The Tallest managed to keep straight faces until Zim clicked off the transmission.  
  
Zim sat back heavily in a chair. Diplomat.... He realized a bit too late that he actually had no idea what diplomats DID, other than talk a lot, and the computer definition hadn't helped much. "Diplomats mostly talk to other diplomats," Zim mused to himself, ignoring the sounds of destruction filtering in from upstairs as Gir discovered how man created fire, "But I don't know any of these diplomats.... Perhaps Dib would count as one," he figured brightly. Dib always did like to talk. With that in mind, Zim headed upstairs to fight off Gir and get to a phone.  
  
---  
  
Light years away, two Irken leaders threw the biggest party that side of the universe had ever seen. 


End file.
